Facing Your Truth

In 2021, an estimated 281,550 new cases of invasive breast cancer are expected to be diagnosed in women in the U.S., along with 49,290 new cases of non-invasive (in situ) breast cancer. About 2,650 new cases of invasive breast cancer are expected to be diagnosed in men in 2021.

 Last Wednesday I went for my CT Simulation. That innocuous appointment was almost my undoing. And was really just such a simple thing.

The next step in my treatment it 20 doses of radiation.  Simple they say.  Takes no time.  Take care of your skin and you will sail through it.  Piece. Of. Cake.

Originally they had wanted me to do this laying on my stomach but as a woman of (umm) size, I apparently had too many folds for them to do this.  So they took me off that very uncomfortable table position so they could rearrange it for me to be laying on my back. As I sat there naked from the waist up yet again, It all of the sudden hit me that nothing in my life was ever going to be the same again.  It didn't matter that I was determined to plow through this and not let it change my life. It didn't matter what I wanted. What matters is that forever more I have cancer.  They can take out the lumps and radiate my body.  They can block my hormone receptors. they can test me from here until I leave this mortal coil.  I will  always carry that cancer with me.  It will be on every form I ever fill out for every doctor I ever see.  It will be in the mirror every time I step out of the shower. Every time I don't feel well it will be lurking in my mind as hard as I try to deny it. This is my truth.   All of that hit me as I sat there in that chair for the 5 minutes it took them to rearrange that table. I felt like I was sinking.

The table was rearranged and I was repositioned to go into the CT scanner.  That didn't take too long but by then my mind could not shut off. My hospital unlike some others does not do permanent positional markings.  Our uses a sharpie and covers it with tegaderm. I was marked got dressed and I figured the next appointment would be scheduled.  Nope.  Everything has to be reviewed and a plan set up and "if you don't hear from us in a week to 10 days please call". What? Really? I was told I cannot lose these marks.  They have to be checked every day to be sure I don't lose the coverings.  Don't scrub them in the shower or with a towel. Don't soak (so no pool!). I have to basically keep these bandaids on me for at least 6 weeks now. Good grief.

I go home and decide to change into something cooler and make the mistake of looking in the mirror.  It looks like my grandkids got a sharpie and colored on me.  Seriously.  I have big black Xs and lines in 6 places on my chest.  I look like a toddler coloring book.  It took 2 days for the first two pieces of adhesive covering to come off.  I had to remark the spots and go buy more coverings so that I can keep things in place.  Just lovely. And now I wait.